unclehybrid

Hmm... I just realized that I never posted a blog about my visit with Ashley...

Her birthday was September 30’th. I left my house at 7:15 Thursday morning and didn’t get back home till Monday at midnight...

It was great. I made her two Amtgard swords, bought her a copy of Robin Hood; men in Tights, and baked her a chocolate cake. She loved all of it. But apparently, she felt bad that she wasn’t around for my birthday back in May, so she bought me a glass chess set... We played two games of chess which where fun, even though they where a bit one sided... I was very proud of myself though, I was being very tactical.

While we where up there, I ended up consuming a rather large amount of hippy food, and spending a lot of time spooning...

For her birthday, her friends got together to give her some presents, and then we all went over to see a Comedian Hypnotist. He had been hired to perform for the school’s homecoming, and was very funny.

It was a wonderful four days. And I cant wait till we can spend more together.

Well, I was keeping myself entertained in class again, and received a request to share my ‘creations’... so here ya go...

A song came on the radio today... it sang about “A man with nothing has nothing to lose.”

And I realized... that for the first time, I have something to lose. And that’s what’s been bothering me for the last two days. I have something to lose, and I’m not accustomed to having to worry about that.

But that’s ok, its simply another subtle sign that Ashley is important to me.




Also, another revelation that happened today... I remember thinking about valuing myself... I am not accustomed to thinking highly of myself, but Ashley keeps reminding me that I should. So, I started trying to list the things that I was good at, and of those, what I could be proud of.

I am a good problem solver.
I am a good abstract thinker.
I am good at making wise life decisions.
I am good at seeing things through other peoples eyes.

I am kind, and gentle, and caring.
I am compassionate.
I am sensitive.

I am good at making things.
I am good at seeing things through.

I enjoy doing things for others.
And all these things add up to one thing...

I am a good lover.

And I can be proud of that.

I love you Ashley.

I’m hopeful and nervous.

I’m good.

It still stings a bit. I was right about our past. It didn’t mean to you what I thought it did. I wasn’t to you what you are to me...

But I am now.

And I just feel so warm!

You where afraid of your past, you where guarding yourself from me.

But now, we are free to hope and dream. And that means so much to me. I am your world and you are mine.

The next time we are together, it will be for both of us what it once was for me. It stings that last time wasn’t what I thought it was, But I feel such joy to know that I get to share my emotions with you... That the walls have come down and I can share with you all the wonderful emotions I have for you. I get to give you the gift of the emotions you gave to me.

I get to love Ashley, and I get to be loved by Ashley.

We get to touch and tickle and learn and grow. We get to have a wonderful future together. And I just love the thought of you finally allowing yourself to share in my dreams!

Ashley... I love you.

9:00
Today is the first time in years that I can recall the feeling of tears rolling down my face.

The last time I cried was as a child over some insignificant pain or worry... For the first time in my life, I have something of value to cry over.

I had a wonderful dog, a great golden retriever that we got when I was about five... it died one or two years ago, and I never shed a tear.

I don’t cry when my father goes to the hospital.

I don’t cry when I think of him dieing.

I don’t cry when I’m in pain.

I simply don’t cry.

Yet today, the first thing I did when I woke up was cry.

Yesterday, the last thing I did was cry.

And now, I’m in class trying hard not to cry.

I love Ashley so much. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her. The calm and comforting moments we have together, the things I do for her... These are mine and mine alone. I have to cling to them. But they are slow, soothing things Ashley and I do. The things that really matter to me... The things that are wonderful and pull powerful emotions from me... emotions stronger than anything I’ve ever had in my life... Are the deep, intimate moments Ashley and I share, the intimate things Ashley does for me.

I love these things deeply, and that will never cheapen or lessen how I feel when we do these things... But it just hurts me so much.

Even though you warned me when we first started dating... Even though your friends warned me... I deluded myself. I thought that your old boyfriends where just high school crushes. I thought you just walked hand-in-hand down the hallway... I was told you where not a virgin, yet, I assumed that you wad simply had one intimate moment with Liam... And that thought alone was painful.

I was living in a dream world. And my assumptions where reinforced when I accidentally removed what was left of Ashley’s cherry in our first moment of exploration.

Thinking back, I’m glad that particular event occurred. If my first time with Ashley included her cherry bleeding away, and me being allowed to enjoy the thought of me being the first one in there... It would have made it so cheep to find out that Liam got the emotional cherry, and I got the physical one...

When Ashley and I have sex, it is special... When she gives me a blowjob... it is beyond special... And I had allowed myself to assume that these things she does to and with me where a first for her. And it just hurts so much to have that shattered.

She made love to Liam, over the span of five months, she had sex with Liam often enough that she cant even estimate a number... She gave him hand-jobs and blow-jobs, and wanted to share the rest of her life with him...

I love Ashley so much. Our sex, our favors, our love, and the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together... They are so special. But it hurts me so much to know that another man shared the same loves, compassions, and hopes with her.

My dream world is crashing down around me, and all I want to do is cling to Ashley and forge forward... But I can’t be with her when I need her the most. And that too hurts.

Everything is so special to me... It doesn’t feel cheapened, it doesn’t lesson what we did, I don’t think any less of Ashley, and I don’t think of her as damaged goods... Its just that, right now, I am damaged. I’m not as special to Ashley as I thought I was. And it hurts so bad. I know I’m special to you. I know you love me, I know you value me, and I know you need me... But I thought that... Even though I wasn’t your first... I thought I was pretty damned close. I thought I was a hell of a lot closer than I really am.

What we did doesn’t lessen... My view of it doesn’t change... But I am finding out, that the reality is... It didn’t mean for you what I thought it meant.

And its killing me.


10:30
I think that’s why the thought of her giving Liam a blow-job is so painful. I thought it was something special she did for me and only me. It is still special. She is going out of her way to make me feel good, even if it does strain her jaw. But that particular action. That intimacy... It is something I love... but it has been cheapened. It isn’t what I thought it was. It doesn’t hold the exclusivity that I thought it did. It doesn’t hold the signigicance that I thought it did.

It doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

Not for her.

And not for me.

No matter how good it feels. No matter how skilled she gets... I will never again feel the same emotions when (or if) she does that for me.

It doesn’t change the emotions I felt...

It just makes me feel sad and hollow that I lied to myself. And I might never feel those emotions again.


2:10
I need to feel special, that’s all this is.

I kidnapped Tommy at 11:30 and let him read everything I wrote down. Then we talked until 12:40... I just needed a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, and someone to vent too.

I’m sure I ruined his mood for the rest of the day, but its better than making Ashley cry.

Right now, I’m good. I’m ready to move forward. I just need to keep myself on a fast pace until I can spend some time with Ashley.

Like I said, I need to feel special. I am special, but right now, I need to be humored.

You see, the ‘calm and comfort’ that me and Ashley share is untainted. What we do at those times is ours and ours alone. When I rest my head on her lap, and she pets me, that is ours. She didn’t do that with anyone else.
(if not, please tell me now, I cant suffer through any more misconceptions.)

Those times are good, but I’ve managed to identify one of the biggest problems.

The emotional highs

The extremes

I don’t have that right now.

Sex seems tainted in my mind. I can live without it. It’s the emotions that I need. When we had sex, she was using action and emotion to say; ‘I love you.’

But right now, it would be a slower, sadder emotion. She would be saying; ‘I’m sorry.’

And I don’t want that.

In time, we can build back up to that point. But right now, it just isn’t the same.

What we had was good, but its not what we have now.

We are starting over.

But the big thing I need, is that strong ‘I love you’ emotion and the ‘I’m doing this for you’ emotion.

I don’t know what we can do to give me those emotions again, but we can try, and we will experiment, and we will be happy.

I just need some sexual act that is new for Ashley and I... Something deep and emotional. I don’t know what we can do, but I know she’s willing to try, and that makes me feel better.



I was trying to plan ahead and think of a few things... Things I’ve heard of, or some strange things I’ve seen on the internet... A few things came to mind. Anal, bondage, costumes. Though I think those things came to mind purely out of spite. At this point, I think I’m just being cynical. It almost feels like I consider these actions out of desperation more than anything else.

Anal is a NO. I don’t want to hurt Ashley like that.

Bondage... I really don’t think so. Maybe one day just to be silly, but not just because I’m desperate for something new and special.

Dress up and costumes... I don’t know... I kind of like it, but at this point I don’t want to plan too far ahead and put hope into something. I don’t want to start daydreaming about this, and then find out after we plan for it, that she once modeled some outfit for Liam...

I need something that is MINE! I need something sexual that is new for Ashley and significant for both of us. I want my chance to experience new things with Ashley. I want my chance to do what I thought I already had. I want to be something new and special for Ashley. I hate that so much of our lives was new to me, and so damned special... but for her... it was just a slight improvement on where her other boyfriends had left off.

I cant stand that I have so much in common with her old boyfriends. I cant stand that the things we do together, where things that she did with them. I cant stand thinking that, what we did in Jacksonville, was the exact same fucking thing she and Liam did. I cant live with myself thinking that all the things I shared with her came as a second wind... I cant just be the same shit on a different day. I need more than that. I need to be something she has never had before. Something she has never experienced. I need to be something she never knew she wanted, and something she cant live without. I want to be for her, what she is for me. And it just makes me afraid to think that, no matter how much ‘You do this better than they did’ ‘you mean more to me’ ‘we reached this level of happiness sooner’... No matter how much of that I hear, I just cant stand the knowledge that our foundation. Our past. What we will build our life on... Is the same foundation she had with other men. And the problem isn't that she did this with other men... the problem is that I cant give her more than they did. My problems are with me, not with her or her past.

I know she wants me to be happy. And hell, I want me to be happy. And I think we can be. We just have to be a little creative.

When we get the chance to start fresh. When we get to stand side by side and decide how to continue with our lives. Everything will be new and adventurous. I am trying to hide the past from myself. It simply means too much to me. The emotions where too strong. And not even what she did with the others. Its all a matter of what she did with me. The emotions that came to me while we where together where so strong. And they are gone now.

I need to find a way to not notice their absence. So that when we do start again... When we explore each other again... I can slowly regain what I had.

When we had our first break. It was because Ashley was too emotional... And she calmed down... Now, I find that I was being too emotional... and I need to calm down. She’s just better at it all than me.

=/


I am feeling better now, but I was on the verge of tears this morning. After writing down the dream I woke up from, a thought entered my head, and not for the first time.

Its more of a fear than a thought...

If I where to ask Ashley a question, I know that the answer would be “Just you and Liam.” And that hurts me more than I can bare. Do you have any idea how many questions... things more meaningful to me than life itself, end with that same answer? ‘just you and Liam.”

I want to ask Ashley these things, but I think I already know the answer, and it hurts.

How many men have done this with you?
How many men have held you like this?
How many men have kissed you like this?
How many men have touched you like this?

How many men have had you as their first love?

How many men have given you their virginity?

How many men have loved you like this?

It hurts me to think it... but the answer to all these questions (as far as I know) is “Just you and Liam.”

And what hearts me more... Is the questions that I am not a part of...

Who was first to touch you here?

“Not you.”

Who was first to do this with you?

“Not you.”

I don’t know if there is anything I can do with Ashley that others have not already done. And I think that’s why I need to know more about Liam and Ashley’s other boyfriends... So that when I do something significant with her, I know if I am first or not.

I cant live in another man’s shadow.

I cant bare the fact that I will never be first in Ashley’s heart. Yes, in value, she will tell me that I am first, but there will have always been men who came before me. And no matter how much she tells me otherwise, she will never be able to say that she gives me all of her heart... because, in fact, she no longer possesses all of it. Bits and peaces of her heart where touched and stolen by other men.

And I am far too much of an immature greedy bastard to ignore the small parts that I am not allowed to have.

Ashley, do you even know what this feels like? Have you ever had to suffer through loving someone who loved someone else before you? You loved Corbin, but where you not his first love? I know you are my first and only love. Where you also Liam’s first love?

These thoughts have been haunting me for a long time, and they are beginning to weigh down my soul...

I know you love me, and when I am with you, that is all that matters. But when we are apart, these thoughts plague my mind.


I know it will hurt you to hear this, and you will want to try to tell me that my view is wrong... But I’m too stubborn to see otherwise. Until we can sit side by side and discuss every aspect of your life with Liam, I just need to be patted on the head and told everything will be alright.

And... I know you don’t want to tell me about you and Liam... You say that it is because you don’t want to hurt me... But from over here, in my eyes... You don’t want to talk to me about it because it was good for you, and you want to cherish parts of it. That is something that hurts me as well. For all the asshole characteristics that I have, I am emotional, needy, and sensitive... I cant stand thinking that you value others alongside me. I need to be the only person in your world, as you are in mine.

I did not know happiness before you came into my life.

You alone are important to me. No other living soul, nation, ideal, or value can compare to you in my mind, none even come close.

And it hurts to know that in your mind, while I am of great value, you knew happiness before me. You where loved before me. And you loved before me. I enter your heart, and it has already been stretched by others. And I can feel their presence behind your warmth.



I will get over these thoughts in time, with your help... But I need to be able to cherish the few things we have together that where never shared with others.



=(


At one point in my depressed ranting this morning, I got angry and horrible thoughts entered my head. You know that I love you and would love to spend the rest of my life with you, and one day have children with you... But in my anger, these thoughts where tainted. I thought; “Ha, I should just ask her to marry me, I bet Liam never did that!”

I also had the very depressing thought that, one day down the road, we would get pregnant together... and we would be cuddling together in bed, and I would lean over and look into your loving eyes with a proud smile on my face and say; “heh, you and Liam never made a baby!”

And in my tainted mind, your response came as; “Actually, we did. But it was aborted.”

At that point, I just gave up, laid back down in my bed, and refused to have a conscious thought until it was time for me to go to class...

I really do just need to have a list of things you and Liam did together, and your emotional responses to it. I know I wont like what you’ll tell me... But not knowing is much more painful.

Strange ass dream...

I started out in a prison, a special prison... but one of my captors tried to come and taunt me, and I killed him, ran for the elevator, and shimmied up the walls to hide on the ceiling of the elevator ‘cart’. When the doors opened, my other captor walked in (he was going to go get his friend) but I dropped down and killed him.

I somehow fled into an airport and managed to pretend to be a ‘co-pilot’. And I crashed a place into a place that looked like Boone. But at the same time, I was on the ground, and saw the plane crash, and ran to see if I could help. When I got there, the ‘me’ on the ground wasn’t me, it was my brother-in-law, Josh. And the plane almost hit my sister.

The real pilot was like ‘wtf, must be technical problems.’ And I was like ‘ya, technical.’ And then they got another plane. But this time, I wasn’t driving, I was in the back with a bunch of people from Somerset/Jacksonville high school, and we where being flown out to go live/move into a big college. But the college was more like a High school full of jocks, bullies, and crazy drug addicts, and dumped in the middle of a city.

While I was waiting to pass screening, I kept having arguments with a fat kid and a green kid. But I finally got in. And when I did, I was the badass new kid in school. Even though the school was full of nut jobs. I loved the place, but didn’t really know what was going on.

I walked into the school and just started being cool, even though people where dancing in the halls, fighting, and doing things to make the place a dirty and gritty place. At one point, I went around a corner and heard a loud ‘ding’ and a guy said ‘oh looks like your locker is dented.’ I saw a jock, and a couple other jocks, standing around one of the new kids who was holding his head. I stormed up and yelled at the guy with all the authority of an axe murderer, yet I was playing the honor card. I scared him and everyone around him, and earned the respect of half the school.

There was a goth/drug/badass guy that thought I was cool, Toshiro, a smart black kid, and me, walking across the school parking-lot to where the sleeping arrangements where going to be. We where trying to form allegiances and I was standing back and letting Toshiro talk his way into someone’s heart, when this crazed jock/bully on drugs started walking up to us holding a knife. I yelled at him to drop the knife and fight me like a man, but he just pulled out another one.

I dropped into a combat position as he pulled back to through the knife. I was practically on all fours when he through it, but as he through it it didn’t spin in a way that would even allow it to hurt me, it just clattered to the ground next to me and I was like ‘oh, ok, you’re a pansy.’ I dodged a lunge and grabbed the knife from the ground and lunged at him, but I was merciful, and pulled back, so that I only gave him a flesh wound. But he, now that I was close, simply lunged his knife into the area between my groin and my right leg, stabbing through an artery... then I woke up. I was more shocked and ashamed than scared our wounded. The guy got a lucky critical hit on me because I was merciful. And I sat there knowing that Toshiro and the cool Goth guy would have ran up and beat up the guy right after I got stabbed, assuming I could have carried on the dream.



For some reason, as I sit here typing this, the situation in this dream and the whole 'not a threat' 'shocked and ashamed' thing reminds me of the situation with me, Ashley, and Liam...
I don’t see Liam as a threat or even a worthy opponent, but he is still an enemy that I must learn about that I may properly remove him from my threat list, less he stab me in the back or get some lucky hit on me while I am distracted. At that point, I feel I would be more ashamed of failure than actually wounded.

Its like, I don’t know the full capabilities of an opponent. I don’t know what he's done. And I'm worried that he will jump out of a shadow that I'm not paying attention too and wound me. It might not be fatal, but he'll get me in a week/valuable spot, and I know that I cant allow him to score that hit.

And like I said last time, he has left his mark on Ashley more so than any other of her boyfriends. Love, emotions, actions, and the nickname things. He has scarred her for me, and there are things that are off limits to me because he did it. Because, I know if I ended up trying to be sweet and sent Ashley flowers or something, and I get something along the lines of 'oh, Liam did this once' I'd feel that same ashamed/broken feeling. Its like the nickname thing. At the time I put it out of my mind. I didn’t really care that Liam had stolen that nickname, though I did feel it was an injustice.

I don’t know what I want to do with the information about Liam... I don’t know if I want to avoid the things he did with Ashley, outdo them, or simply overshadow them with my own presence... But despite it all, I think this dream simply proves to me one thing...

I am jealous of Liam...

Well that was painful... Tonight, Ashley entrusted me with some rather soul wounding information about her past. I had asked her about her past boyfriends, and I got a hell of a lot more information than I was expecting. There are some things which simply wound the soul, and that was one of them. It actually brought me about as close to crying as I am capable of getting. Don’t take that as bravado. I’m not proud of the fact... in fact, I’m angry with it. I cant cry. At least, not in the conventional sense.

There was one point, where we had gone past all the bad things and where talking about pleasant memories and things her and I had done, but then she brought up the one things again... I almost asked her not to continue, but I don’t want her to think that there is a line drawn anywhere between us... I felt... like my soul was bleeding. A deep hollow blackness began somewhere in my heart and swallowed everything from the base of my ribcage to my shoulders... My soul was wounded with the pain of the knowledge... and yet I couldn’t shed a single tear.

My inactivity really bothers me sometimes... in fact, it bothers me most of the time. Ashley’s past is filled with romance (good and bad), but mine is filled with nothing but emptiness. Moving from one place to another, never having a single friend for more than three years, waiting half depressed to find someone to love... I know I have a lot of decent memories, but I really feel robbed of my childhood... like I suddenly woke up as who I am now a few months ago, with no recollection of who I was before that.

I rarely do anything. Ever. I sit in my room and play games (fun, in its own right). There are all these things that I want to do, but don’t. and there isn’t anything I can do to change it. I am inactive by nature, and I make up for it. On the rare occasion that I do something, or something finds me, I throw myself into it whole heartedly. I may say it’s a matter of honor or pride, or keeping my word... but really... its just too precious to me to let it slip past. I rarely find these small happy moments that I can share with others, and almost no cost is too high to experience them.

Which may end up being why Ashley loves me... she loves me, because she matters to me. Every tiny detail of what we have together is more precious than... well... there isn’t even anything to compare it too. It’s not a matter of being more important than anything else... It simply IS the importance. It is something deep and soul wrenching which would feel like an abomination against nature if it where anything other than worshiped.

And it scares me to know that a failure in our relationship would break me. And I think Ashley knows that as well. Which isn’t good, because I want to cause her nothing but happiness. I don’t want her to have to worry about me while we are apart. She doesn’t need to worry about me worrying about her. She has her own shit to deal with. And she makes me happy. More so than I have ever felt in my life. And I think she feels the same way.

I just hope that we’ll be able to share that with each other for the rest of our lives... because I don’t think I’ll be able to make it for much longer without something close to what I had over this summer... Almost every day was spent in the company of someone energetic and fun. I got to cuddle up with a wonderful woman whom I’ve grown to love. And I felt alive. Truly and simply, Alive. Something that I can’t recall ever having at any other point in my life...

And I want it back.

It just sucks that once again, I find myself waiting for happiness... At least this time I know who it is that will be making me happy. Hell, I even know when she’ll be making me happy. At no point, will we go longer than a month without each other, and even then, it will be within three years that we’ll be able to decide how we will live. We’ll be able to spend every day together...



I hope we can make it...

Kuz its gona be a long three years...

X_X

I am about to go have a Dr. yank out the toenail of the largest toe on my right foot... Then I work from 5-12, and get to drive up to see ashley from 9-4...

This month has been so damned hectic... I think I really do need to wind down from it with ashley for about a dozen reasons...

I finally got my screenshot thing up and working, and will now share with you images from World of Warcraft.

son-of-a-BITCH!

A fucking hurrican is going to be hitting NC friday night!

I am SO going to leave here and skip school... I'd leave thursday after school, and get someone to cover my shift, but my parents are already trying to cause me problems.

I think they are watching me closely, and trying to make sure I know how to do the responcible thing... I want to say 'fuck it' and head off thursday night, but know that will only cause problems...

so, I get to sulk the shadows untill I am out of sight friday morning, at which point I will be free to do as I see fit.

heh, can you beleave they want to give me the sex talk? (or 'no sex' talk, I dont know)

I think 19 years old is a little late to be giving ANYONE a chat about sex... allthough, from their point of view, I have only just started dating Ashley... They have no clue of how long we have been together, or how deeply we feel for eachother... They assume it is puppy love, or that I am playing the dating game...

I have no desire to play such games... there is far too much that is fluid and insubstantial in my life already. I want and need something stable and long lasting. And luckily for me, Ashley seems the perfict one for such things...

Although 'Stable' doesnt exactly describe anything about me or Ashley... Hell, Stable doesnt even describe Ashleys friends and family... but thats all the better, it means I'll fit right in.


oh ya, and here is a 'not so good' drawing of me and Ashley I doodled in class...

This is going to sound either really strange or really perverted...

But I was looking at porn today, and couldn't get an erection, I just wasn't into it... I was just sitting there bored, staring at it. All it did was make me miss Ashley.

I wasn't thinking 'Wow, I wana fuck ashley.' or anything like that...

I just thought it was somewhat odd.

oh, and erections aside, I refuse to masterbate (I havn't done it since monday, and that already an accomplishment). I feel like I'm missing an important emotional element, and 'pleasuring the fleash' just doesn't feel right without the emotional connection.

All
Hot
And
Sweaty!

*Passes out on bed*

I just had to stand outside and hammer, drill, beat, bend, and break a rusted tire rim off of my dads riding lawnmower for the past two hours...

X_X

This day is turning out fairly well. It was long, but overall, not too bad, with just a minor hint of annoyance and a promise of good shit to come...

I went to bed last night at around eight, mildly depressed (and trying to ignore a rather painful erection). And ended up waking at close to three in the morning. With six hours of sleep behind me, and nothing better to do, I hopped on my computer and played World of Warcraft until 7:00, when I got a shower and nuked myself some mashed potatoes with gravy, two slices of bread, and a hamburger patty tossed in for the hell of it. I get to class at about 8:40, and end up sitting in there until 2:40. Sit and learn for 45 minutes, sleep for 15 minutes, repeat. Exchange sleep for hotdog and lemonade, repeat. Spend 15 minutes reading, repeat. Spend an hour and a half reading, 45 minutes of learning, get another hot-dog, and another 45 minutes of learning...

I get a 160$ paycheck and cash it, then go ask about a job in a ‘small business’ computer store (no luck), and am driving around when I spot Thor walking on the side of the road. I pick him up and give him a ride home (he had just got off work) and then head over to Beans where I sit and read for an hour after eating some bitch’n Parfait. (I think that was the word they used... its banana pudding and coffee cake. I suggested it to the cook on Friday after she dropped half a cake on the counter.)

5:00 hits and I get ready to start work when the other dishwasher walks in. Apparently, Angel had fucked with the schedule, and failed to mention anything... So, as I leave pissed, I make a mental note to bitch loudly at Angel next time I see her.

But, it turns out this may in fact be a blessing! I get home and am told that someone from Best Buy had called for me, and that I am to call them back tomorrow. So, with any luck, I might end up with a new job! (possibly fixing computers, but it really doesn’t matter what the hell I end up doing there.)

So, now I get to spend the rest of the night playing videogames, and get to talk to someone about a possible job tomorrow.

^_^

oh ya, and I get the chance to bitch at Angel and make a big dramatic exit... Although, it will most likely be a rather bland exit and only a minor inconvenience on management... But still! Its an exit none the less!

=(

Just read my myspace... I don't feel like reposting it here.

Man, it’s starting to annoy me that I can’t get a hold of my ‘Tank Girl’ VHS... I know the girls would love the movie. It’s one of my favorite comedies. I mean, come on... It’s a story about Amber going on a rampage with a Tank against the jackass that killed her boyfriend and kidnapped her little sister.

Shit, at one point in the movie, they lock her in a freezer in a straitjacket as a torture method, and all she says is; “Its really hard for me to play with myself in this thing...”



Movie not withstanding, I’m starting to dread next week. I really want to just fuck it all and follow Ashley to Boon, but I know I need to achieve something in school before I can be awarded such luxuries. By now, I’ve put literary and artistic learning to the side, as well as philosophical views and psychological fascinations. I’ve expanded my horizon and have bettered myself. Now, it is time for me to learn a valued skill and put it to use in a work environment.

=/ Too bad I can’t just win the lottery and be done with it...

Hmm... My parents will be heading off to Pennsylvania sometime Tuesday morning, and will be up there until sometime around Friday... My mom is also trying to schedule herself an interview in Virginia on the way back down. So, I’ll have the house to myself for a while.

We’ll have to do a movie night at some point in that timeframe.
Maybe... Alien 3, Galaxy Quest, and Blood: The Last Vampire.

Or possibly both ‘Vampire Hunter D’ movies...




oh ya, and it appears that Tommy's birthday is on the 4'th, so I have to think of something to get him...

... I would have much rather just slept at Ashley's, but I think I would have been a little embarrassed to wake up with a bunch of half strangers staring at me face down on a couch with the bottom half of my legs hanging off the edge into the open air...


btw... I can sleep through a hurricane, but I wake up the moment someone enters the room?

Oh god! There are terrible little creatures living in my house! They... they do things while I’m sleeping... I can hear them... Clawing at my door, trying to get in... Screaming and screeching... They call out my name... “Come play with us Justin, come play with us!” The tiny demons are trying to take me away!

And I think I’m related to them...